How to let go of the obsession with a married colleague

Like someone will fill your heart with excitement and joy. However, if the other party is someone you shouldn’t like, such as a married colleague, this kind of excitement can quickly turn into stress. If you like married colleagues, try not to worry too much. We have collected expert opinions to help you let go of this relationship.

This article is based on an interview between the wikiHow team and professional emotional coach and therapist Jessica Engle. You can click here to view the complete interview log.

Method 1: Remember the risks you may face in your career.

Understand the company’s regulations on office romances. Regardless of whether the partner is married or not, office dating is very complicated. If you can’t stand your feelings and want to courageously woo, first ask yourself how this affection will affect your work. If work is important to you, focus your thinking on the drawbacks of office romances to help yourself examine all of them objectively.
Some companies prohibit office romances. If this is the case for your company, ask yourself if you are really willing to take the risk of getting trouble with your supervisor and act emotionally.
Even if the company’s policy on office romance is relatively loose, you have to think about other potential consequences. Does this cause tension between you and other colleagues? How do you deal with gossip in the company?

Method 2: Imagine the consequences of rushing courtship.

Thinking about the possible consequences may make you retreat. Give yourself some time to think about what this relationship will look like. If you are already friends, what impact will courting each other have on your friendship? How will this relationship affect each other’s marriage? If you really hooked up, what would you think of them or yourself?

Method 3: Reduce the time spent with each other.

Do not have contact with the other party outside of work. The more opportunities you have with each other, the harder it will be to let go of your feelings. You can’t avoid contact at work, but the communication between the two parties should be as concise and clear as possible, and in business. Try not to interact with them after work.
When several colleagues plan to go out together on the weekend, if the crush will also go, you can decline the invitation.
Try to minimize contact with each other in the company. For example, don’t stay in the lounge with your partner during lunch. Do not voluntarily participate in work projects that require close cooperation with the other party.

Method 4: Set clear boundaries for yourself.

Identify which behaviors might make you emotional. After that, promise to avoid these behaviors as much as possible. Think of some practical ways to set boundaries for yourself. Treat yourself tenderly, but stand firm.
For example, you can promise yourself: “I won’t think about my colleagues anymore. If I have sexual fantasies about the other person, I will take a few deep breaths or drink a cup of horizontal impulse.”
If you find that browsing the other person’s social media will arouse your love for the other person, then unfollow or block them so that you don’t always have to look at them.

Method 5: Try to distract yourself.

Focus on activities that you find interesting and fulfilling. When you like someone, it seems difficult to focus on other things. Next time you find yourself upset for your colleagues, try to divert your attention. For example, you can engage in a hobby, watch an interesting movie, or call a friend to chat.
Doing what you like can also prevent you from venting your negative emotions in unhealthy ways, such as emotional eating or indulging in social media with your crush.

Method 6: interact with other people

Try to make new friends. Knowing other people or spending more time with other family, friends, or acquaintances can help divert your attention so that you don’t think about your crush. If you want to find someone, go out and contact others more, the success rate will be higher. For example, you can try:
Join a club or voluntary organization that interests you.
Enroll in courses in local colleges or community centers.
Arrange more time for fun activities with friends, family or other colleagues.
Sign up for dating software, or attend singles parties in your area.

Method 7: Admit that you have distracting thoughts, but don’t act on them.

It is normal to have sexual or romantic fantasies about a crush. You may find yourself thinking about or fantasizing about a crush. Don’t try to resist or deny these thoughts, it will only deepen your obsession with the other person. Pay attention to your distracting thoughts, don’t criticize them or yourself, just ignore them. They will slowly disappear on their own, and your attention will be shifted to other things.
When you find yourself developing distracting thoughts, it may be helpful to label them. For example, you can say to yourself: “I have distracted thoughts about my colleagues again.”
This requires a lot of practice and patience, so if you can’t get rid of these thoughts, don’t feel frustrated. The point is not to put an end to these thoughts, but to reduce their impact on you.

Method 8: Do exercises to relieve stress.

Doing calming activities can help ease the anxiety caused by crushing on a married colleague. Falling in love with someone you shouldn’t love can cause you a lot of pressure. If you are distracted by the distracting thoughts you have about your crush, spend some time doing relaxing activities, such as meditation or deep breathing, to bring yourself back to the present. You can also try:
Write down your thoughts and feelings in the diary. After writing, these thoughts or feelings may fade. You can even write a note to your crush and destroy it.
Perform imagination training. For example, imagine yourself resting in the middle of a peaceful meadow, looking up at the sky. If you find yourself having some distracting thoughts, imagine it floating away gently like a cloud in the sky.
Do exercises or relaxing stretches. This not only relieves stress, but also boosts self-confidence, and shifts your focus from your crush to other areas.

Method 9: Treat yourself well.

Think of your feelings as strengths, not weaknesses. Even if you can’t chase love bravely, the ability to have a lover is a very beautiful thing. [14] Don’t blame yourself for falling in love with someone you shouldn’t love. Recognize that you are a loving person who is willing to give love and is worthy of being with someone who will also love you.
Imagine how you would treat friends in the same situation, and treat yourself in the same way. Be patient with yourself, deal with your feelings slowly, and don’t criticize yourself harshly.

Method 10: Give yourself time to let the feelings slowly fade.

Remember that the relationship is not lasting, and it will gradually fade if you don’t work hard to maintain it. You may feel that you will suffer for the other person for the rest of your life, but this is not the case. [16] When you feel that your feelings are too strong, it seems that you will be overwhelmed. Allow yourself to feel all of this, but assure yourself that these feelings will eventually change slowly. Be patient with yourself and try your best to survive this transitional period.
When you have a long-lasting love for someone you meet every day, such as a colleague who looks up and lowers your head every day, it does take longer to let the relationship fade. Even so, as long as you insist on not being emotional, you will eventually be able to slowly let go of the other person and start a new life.

Method 11: Confirm the reason why the other party attracts you.

Use this opportunity to get to know yourself. If your colleagues have many qualities that you admire, take this opportunity to understand what kind of partner you want to find in the future. [18] Ask yourself, if you fall in love with each other, is there any other reason behind it? For example, do you feel that it is safer to fall in love with someone you will never get because you dare not really develop a relationship with others?
After finding out why your colleagues are attracted to you, come up with possible solutions. For example, you might be able to date someone with a similar personality, or try to resolve your inner insecurities or needs.

Method 12: If you can’t stand it, it is recommended to consult a psychotherapist.

If the pressure is too great, you can ask others for help. It is indeed a difficult situation to like a married colleague. If your relationship affects work, other relationships or daily life, it is recommended to consult a doctor or psychotherapist. They can provide practical advice to help you deal with your situation in a healthy way.
It may also help to talk about your feelings to family and friends.